Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Breastfeeding and Other Awkward Activities (Dad)

Just a foreword, instead of having to decide between writing "breasts" or "boobs" or "bazookas" throughout the following description, I think I'll just abbreviate the term as "BB". It doesn't really stand for anything. It's just a lot less embarrassing to type than, say, "jahooblies" or "kazangas" or "nunga-nungas."

Anyway, let's continue. So last night we went--


Sorry, just had to get that last one out of my system. As I was saying, last night we attended the last of our five prenatal courses, and I'm glad we took it last. After seeing birth videos and baby crash test videos and baby choking videos, watching a mother with rather misshapen assets attempt to nurse her child didn't even make me flinch. I mean, it was basically a two-hour introduction to every single shape and size of BBs one can imagine. What I never realized before is that it's so complicated. In retrospect, it makes a lot of sense. Little babies have certain instincts that will help, but ultimately, the mother has to make herself compatible with his particular nursing habits. To demonstrate why a class exploring one of the most natural events in life was so awkward, I'll just say that the instructor's advice for helping a small baby nurse was to "squish the BB like you would a sandwich so that the baby can get it in his mouth."

First of all, I would just like to say that I don't squish my sandwiches. And sandwiches come in all shapes and sizes. Do we squish the BB like a subway sandwich which is kind of round? Or do we squish it like a grilled cheese which is very flat? Be specific, Lady!

So maybe it would have been more helpful to say something to the effect of "you need to squeeze your BB so that it flattens out like an Almond Hersheys bar." Almond Hershey bars are ALWAYS the same size. That's what's so cool about them. Or she could have even said something like, "flatten your BB so that it assumes the approximate shape and size of a Chipotle quesadilla with meat and cheese only and not even those leftover little lettuce bits that always get on my quesadilla from the guy's burrito before me". THAT would have been much more understandable to me.

Anyway, I've rambled on long enough about breastfeeding. I'm sure we're better for taking it. I know Danielle will do just fine. So yay, classes all done. Time to put our education into practice.

Oh, and one more thing...



  1. Oh my. LOL

    Regardless of what size you can get your BB sandwich to be, it is actually excellent advice which I found myself using a lot in the beginning! Oh, and it is *really* fun when the Lactation Consultant actually forms the sandwich on you so you can see how to do it! :)

  2. My goodness, that had me LAUGHING.

    I seriously think I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face when she said, "Squish it like a sandwich."

    Good times!